My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
