Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
