Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
