You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Randomize
