I feel great
I just peed on a car
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
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