Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
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