Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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