So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
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After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
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Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
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