She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
