I must be too annoying 4 u.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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