My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
