Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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