remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
