Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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