you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
