They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
