the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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