My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
