Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
