Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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