what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
