I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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