so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.