He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
