can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
