Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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