I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
