Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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