she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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