Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
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