i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
