??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
