I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
