after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
