wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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