Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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