dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
