Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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