I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
