yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
