just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
