remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
