Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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