Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
