I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
