I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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