I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
