it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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