So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
