what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
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