you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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