You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
