I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
