It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
