a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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