I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls