Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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