my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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