Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
