So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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