The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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