you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
