i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Randomize
