I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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