awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
