I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
