From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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